my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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