I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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