I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
