I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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