The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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