New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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