hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize