Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
