she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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