How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
