my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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