We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
