every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
