i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
