my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
