Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The air taste purple.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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