What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
