So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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