i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
