i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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