i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
