Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
