I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
