I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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