Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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