there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
