dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
