dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
