His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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