Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
