Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
