dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
