I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
