exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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