Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
