It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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