I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
