Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
