he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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