I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You smell like stripper and shame
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
