Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
