Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
