I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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