I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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