I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
should my penis look like a turkey
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize