is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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