He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
