I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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