You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
