There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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