i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How does one acquire holy water?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
