Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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