One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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