the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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