Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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