The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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