Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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