I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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