Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
